Starbucks Needs A Liquor License
October 5, 2009 by Andrea Toochin
Filed under The Daily Bitch
Starbucks should start getting liquor licenses and create the Kahluacino already. Damn, we might as well call it The Monday. I think they should create specialty coffee cocktails, one for each day of the week. Since I am feeling the pain today, not enough sleep, the looming death of four Conde Nast magazines (why am I the only one that’s shocked?), I’ve decided to craft a wishful menu for the folks over at Schultz & Co.
Monday: Dark roast, send-you-to-the-bathroom blend, in a café au lait (At Starbucks, they call an au lait, a “Misto.” Who the fuck knows why, market differentiation, the sexy factor.). Your choice, skim or soy, with a splash of Jack Daniels, and a touch of whipped cream, a bit of nutmeg and chocolate shavings on top. Pair with a frown and earphones blasting a Pandora station, perhaps Nirvana, Pearl Jam or some new young angry thing.
Tuesday: Grande coffee Frappuccino with Amaretto. Pair with Bob Dylan or Neil Young.
Wednesday: Hump day is the day of hope. One realizes the end is near, the bottle will soon be devoured, and that’s why a milder beverage is OK for Thursday. We recommend a tall mild roast with milk and a splash of Kahlua. Take it back a few years, the hope is there and that’s why we’re feeling a little CSN or James Taylor might work. Blast Mexico and keep on truckin’.
Thursday: Now Thursday is a great day, you’re almost there, you need just make it through and you’ll almost graduate to Friday, the day that productivity plummets to about 60%. So for this, we’re recommending a standard coffee, no booze, perhaps a touch of sugar, syrup or caramel. Give La Roux a shot, maybe a little MGMT, take your pick.
Friday: This is love. We’ll soon be at the weekend, when we’ll spend the few spare moments and dollars relaxing, or for some, getting smashed. OK, so for this, we give you license to start early. How about a soy au lait with Baileys. Because you are taking on serious calories here, we recommend a small fruit parfait with low-fat yogurt for breakfast. That means no bagels, no pastries, grow up people, you can’t have it all—carb or liquid sugar, booze or weed, money or morals. You get the picture. Pair with Tiesto, Basement Jaxx, DJ Rekha, or any other synthetic, semi-jumpy electronica sound.
Saturday: The recovery from the fast boozefest has begun. Waking up after nearly collapsing on the bed the night before, another congratulatory moment occurs that Saturday, when one realizes that, YES, I do still have a complete wallet, a cell phone, obviously house keys (assuming you slept in your own bed the night before–use a rubber kids!) and any other important tchotchkes you schlep around daily. Grab a grande skim latte with a shot of any of the aforementioned liquors, crawl back in bed, and blast The Dead. Never forget Jerry, kids…
Sunday: A Kinder, Not So Gentler Brew—Another day of recovery. OK, so you’re not quite ready to embrace the Pedialyte. Get on it, people, it’s the surefire hangover helper. Back to Starbucks, which again we think should get on that liquor license business AND bring back the loyalty cards. I’d recommend a not-so-gentle-giant—a venti skim cappuccino with a dash of Van Gogh espresso vodka, a splash of Tia Maria and whipped cream. I know, you’re thinking skim milk and whipped cream—that’s like ordering a Big Mac combo with a diet coke. Ok, here’s the theory, you want a light drink with a hint of alcohol to keep the balance of liquor in your system—or as we say in Boston-LICKA—to stave off a headache. But, whole milk is too heavy and you need to save some calories for the egg and cheese you are about to consume to quell the savory craving, so here’s our final offer– 2% milk.
Happy drinking kids. And don’t forget the dolls and the water bottle. Sunday night is a bitch in more ways than one.
Coffee Cup Disclaimer: Warning: drinking this alcoholic coffee beverage may cause you to A) drive into a pole, a person or another large object, B) accidentally impregnate a stranger, or C) botch the TPS reports. We are not responsible for anything negative that results from consumption. By paying for and accepting the drink, you hereby release us from any liability. Do not call us, do not write us and do not expect to get any money out of us. If you insist on speaking to someone, ask for the Starbucks litigation specialist at Douche, Douche & Douche LLP.
