The Californication Truth Serum

A friend of mine came up with a great saying during a Californication marathon: A Booty Call is Masturbation with another person. Wow, I was stunned. I dare that was enough to make that Saturday a success. After watching the last 10 episodes of season three of Californication, an ode to the loveable man-slut, I came up with what I will call The Californication Truth Serum.

The truth serum is the reason all women have a Hank Moody. Of course in most cases, he isn’t quite the looker that David Duchovny is, but he also isn’t likely a nymphomaniac. Every woman has a Hank Moody because he represents that man that you wish would get his shit together, but never really will. However, the chemistry and history between said man and woman leads her to stupidly tolerate him for too long. Of course the chemistry leads to good sex, which doesn’t make the separation easier. Both parties cling to a possibility that is a falsehood because she’ll always want more than he can give.

As one man told James Delingpole of The Times of London, “Monogamy is an arrangement he makes with himself, either through reasons of fear or lack of opportunity.” So one day, when she realizes she just wants to shag him, because in bed, in his room, the dream can stay alive, so long as he keeps his mouth shut 90% of the time—that is the moment she vows to find a BC, aka Booty Call.

Where in the past, we’d replace one man with another potential boyfriend, we now know the period of mourning a fucked up man would lead us to screw up any potential relationship. And so we pursue The Good Fuck. For a booty call can never be messed up. There are, however, finite rules to this arrangement and women should understand the rules going in.

1. He does not want a relationship with you. He does not even want dinner at a bistro with you once in a while. In fact, to maintain good boundaries, a smart man will be honest from the beginning and will never leave the house with you, for then you’ll know that all you share is the pursuit of pleasure.
2. There is no loyalty, and for that reason, you must always practice safe sex. The only loyalty a man usually has is to his children, his penis and his bank account.
3. No matter the rules, no matter the city, even in NYC, a man still knows that finding a woman that is OK with a NSA (no-strings-attached) BC arrangement is better than heaven, because who knows if the latter exists. So, ladies, you make the rules, because it’s all about the Cs here: comfort and climax. No doubt at a certain point, this man will ask for the back door and if you don’t want to, you must say NEGATORY. Apparently the punani isn’t enough. But as my grandmother said: “If someone can ask, you can say no.”