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Mancession + Bathing Suit Season = Coffee Profits

April 22, 2010 by  
Filed under Featured, Nutri-Life, The Daily Bitch

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Could it be as simple as the combination of the impending swimsuit season and an ongoing mancession that drove sales for Starbucks and fastfood giant, McDonald’s? McDonald’s added all these fluffy sugary coffee drinks to their menu, as well as hot and iced coffee, in American sizes at flyover state prices. So far so good. Starbucks cut some stores a few years ago, added an instant coffee product, and began offering its Pike Place Roast for less than $2. All of these measures seemed to have worked. 

McDonald’s reported first quarter 2010 sales increases of 4.2%, with the U.S. up 1.5%, Europe up 5.2%, and Asia Pacific, the Middle East and Africa surging 5.7%. According to the press release, “consumers visited McD’s more often” for the beverage range, including “value-based drinks, frappes and the entire McCafe line-up, everyday value menu options, led by the recently introduced Breakfast Dollar Menu…”
 
Meanwhile, over at Seattle’s Charbucks, for whom the first quarter of the 2010 calendar year is their second fiscal quarter, revenues were up 9% and store sales increased 7%, thanks to a 3% jump in traffic and a 4% increase in the average ticket. Meanwhile, Starbucks revealed its first cash dividend on March 24, which followed the February news that about 7,250 Burger King locations would be selling Seattle’s Best Coffee. Of course, there was also the shocking launch of the instant coffee line, VIA, which is now available in the U.K. and Japan too. Finally, among other FY10 goals, Starbucks is targeting 100 new U.S. stores and about 200 new ones in international markets.
 
So why are things looking up for java servers? I have a theory.

 McD

OK, we are still in the recession, just on the cusp of a recovery, and while men deal with staying home to watch the kids and load the dishwasher, ego squashed to the pavement, women head out to work to bring home the turkey bacon. Meanwhile, no one can stress eat as much because we all know Americans are increasingly growing fatter, which has resulted in diabetes and heart disease outbreaks.

And so what do we do, especially when we are faced with baring our pasty lumpy selves on beaches in just about six weeks? We drink coffee. And why do we drink coffee? Because it accomplishes two goals in one fell swoop. Drink a cup of Charbucks drip and you will both be jolted into productively and cleansed of all that you recently scarfed.

Yes, it’s high time Starbucks offer a different marketing campaign. Target the nursing homes serving up vats of prune juice to pissed off, constipated old folks and the hospital clinics dealing with Crohn’s and Colitis patients and put giant ads featuring people drinking coffee. Before picture: aggravated individual waiting impatiently in line = constipated. After picture: same person leaving the bathroom with a smile on his or her face, dumping an empty cup of coffee in the rubbish bin, relieved and about half a pound lighter.

Starbucks: Jolt and Detox in One.

TARGET: women ages 13-100!!

McDonald’s: Diner Coffee in Seven Eleven Value sizes.

TARGET: pigs cops, firefighters, journalists, transit workers, middle-class moms, truck drivers…

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