Mr. Good Enough: Better Than No Man At All?

Are you that woman that thinks she is the whole package, but wonders why she is still alone? You sit there thinking you are more accomplished, worldly, attractive, open-minded, ______– fill in the blank for me–than all those married women–and yet, others are hitched or have partners and you sit at home with the remote and a glass of Chianti. Journalist and single mother Lori Gottlieb penned a book for all of us, myself included, based on an article she wrote for The Atlantic. The Los Angeles-based writer hopes to help like minded women learn from her mistakes that led her to be a 41-year-old single mother stuck in the 40-50 singles pool. Translation: your male dates are 40-something divorced dads at best, but likely 50-something men with children in their teens. Her bottom line: be more open minded and internalize this: compromising is not the same thing as settling. This is not a pity post. Your friends might pity you when you talk about such things but this is more about, well, checking yourself and growing up.

Many took offense to her tome but I truly believe it can change lives. I myself confess to not giving nice guys a chance and wasting too much time on the ones that like or love you just enough. Sometimes you don’t have the mind-time to withstand a relationship, reason or not, for reasons only your gut knows. But sometimes, one is picky, to the point where one of her interviewees noted that while women are not perfect, they often expect their males suitors to be. The truth hurts ladies and the truth is that yes, sometimes a guy might have less hair than you desire, he might not be tall enough, he might have bigger love handles than you’d like– and often, he might come in a different package than you expected, but, what’s one date? Can you spare two hours of your time, and maybe two more hours if he asks you out again, to actually get to know a man before you judge him?

Because what Gottlieb notes, in this book that is largely geared toward single heterosexual women, is that often we are judging men based on the wrong set of criteria. In her interview with author Rachel Greenwald, she notes that 1) dating changes after 30, and 2) the guys you reject in your 20s and 30s will be the guys you pine for if you end up alone in your 40s. Because once you reach your 40s, what Gottlieb discovered the hard way, was that most men in the 40s either don’t want kids or women that have them, but if they do really want children, they usually date women in their 30s that have a better chance of spawning biological children. It’s not a matter of settling so much as being realistic and evaluating NEEDS versus WANTS. Greenwald tells Gottlieb to eliminate any “dealbraker” that is objective, such as age, height, where he attended college, hair status, and if he has an ex-wife or children. Then she says to focus on the subjective, ie lasting traits that will matter when you are married, presumably with kids, trying to juggle, work, family, bills and more. Subjective traits include: maturity, kindness, sense of humor, sensitivity and here’s an important one–ability to commit.

But, what might be one of the most important notes of the book is the realization of Gottlieb that butterflies and a guy that might be a great boyfriend, does not often translate to a good life partner. Hollywood and the media, and even our friends and family, will often tell us to hold out, don’t settle, he’s not good enough for you, and on and on. What Gottlieb, and hopefully her readers, came to realize is that often women don’t give nice guys a chance. I admit I’m guilty of this, but going forward, I hope to learn from past mistakes. What women often don’t realize, as well, is that a relationship is a two-way street and your romantic interest has a life that may not include you and it’s your responsibility to give that person space and be there for them. It’s not all about the estrogen, though we’d like it to be, wouldn’t we?

And so I leave you with the Goethe quote Gottlieb used to open Part Four of the book: “Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.”

Here’s a link to the book on Amazon. Buy it, or reserve it at your local library branch. Click here to learn more about Gottlieb, her work, and the movie that will made based Marry Him: A Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough.