Tiger + Britney = Gossip Rag Profits

There’s nothing a gossip rag loves more than a celebrity trainwreck and London newspaper The Sun has the scoop on two big ones. Let’s just note that The Sun is a gossip rag-cum-tabloid newspaper, so the credibility is not high. But apparently Wednesday was a big day for this paper as they reported that child services in Los Angeles is investigating poptart Britney Spears for allegedly feeding her kids food she knew they were allergic to (seafood) and supposedly using a belt on them. This is all according to a former employee, Fernando Flores, who reportedly alerted the authorities.

I can understand neglect but abuse is quite another and I hope this is far fetched and an attempt at blackmail. Time will tell and if she goes beyond denying it, a libel and/or defamation case will likely arise. Let’s also note that 1) the paper does not cite its sources and 2) it’s caption on the pic of the Toxic singer does not point out names of those featured, but her nipples. Personally, my unconfirmed theory has always been that Brit Brit rose to fame, enjoyed the ride, was worked to the bone by the industry, and then had a breakdown when after having severe postpartum that was ignored, and festered into depression, her white trash ex-husband betrayed her. She then said fuck it and trusted shady people, was taken advantage of, then ate and partied to self-medicate, and then had the intervention, sobered up, hit the gym, and voila, it’s supposed to be all better. Imagine if this were your life by 28?! (She’ll turn 29 in December.) And, let’s all note that this surfaces amid the launch of her Candie’s line for Kohl’s, which I must admit has a few decent products, including an adorned dress and studded heels in taupe, NOT white.

Now on to the vagina junkie. I think what we all learned from the Tiger Woods scandal was 1) there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, and 2) if you do need to fuck someone new every two hours, buy condoms at Costco and hire David Duchovny‘s publicist and legal team.

So The Sun reported that Swedish national and former model Elin Nordegren is said to have closed what will be the biggest celebrity divorce settlement in history. After her legal team dug up some new dirt, they realized that big T had a higher net worth than expected, possibly exceeding $1 billion. As such, she could walk away with something in the range of $750 million, one of the Florida homes, the homes in Sweden and sole physical custody. They will share legal custody because while not being able to control his cock, she has acknowledged that he is a good father. Still, there is concern that his need for constant fornication might cloud his judgment, so he won’t be allowed to bring single women around the kids unless they are staff Elin knows.

Elin also gets major baggage out of this settlement as she likely will spend many millions of that settlement on therapy and will ultimately still not be able to trust a man again. That’s OK, with that settlement, she can have one made or buy a boy toy when necessary. Tiger will keep the Cali homes, one Florida mansion and what’s left of his dignity and endorsement deals. The women that banged him have also reportedly scored a payday. Why? The main reason for the size of Elin’s settlement is that it’s hush money and who wants to make a bet he is paying the loosies to keep their mouths shut too, for fear of further damaging his reputation, if that is possible.

Boy better get his ass to putting, he’s gonna need the dough. Here’s an idea for his latest endorsement: Trojan anyone?