Who knew food could get so political? Apparently our understanding of race relations and what constitutes as offensive actions is quite elementary.

Around February 4, the Tweeters were afire over some news about a Black History month-inspired menu over at NBC. Questlove of The Roots, who play on Jimmy Fallon, posted a picture of the menu on Twitter and liberal New Yorkers everywhere began expressing their outrage at the dishes. The picture showed that the menu included: fried chicken, collard greens with smoked turkey, white rice with black eyed peas, jalapeno cornbread, and the choice of water or soda, all for just $7.50. Of course I’m wondering, why stop there? Where’s the watermelon for dessert and the Hi-C? This reminds of the comment some dumb fuck made about an event early in Tiger Woods‘ career.

Picture courtesy of Questlove of The Roots

But the honest truth is that we all harbor stereotypes and would we expect better behavior from the big ol’ boys running media in America? We might hope for better but we shouldn’t expect better. And to play devil’s advocate, if Bobby Flay did this, with a Southwestern twist, what would be the reaction? By the way, in case you missed this and you want real cuisine like the aforementioned dishes, Crain’s New York reported that Sylvia’s now offers curbside and home delivery, between 110th and 145th.

But back to the matter at hand. I have a solution for this: let’s put it all out there because the honest to god truth is I am a secular reform Jew and I fucking love bagels with cream cheese and lox. And yes, my family uses every excuse possible to create an event which will inevitably revolve around getting family together and yes, you guessed it, eating. So, why not accept the stereotypes for all and do what Americans do best: EAT! So, here’s my proposed menu.

January: Gong Xi Fa Cai! Dumplings, hot and sour soup, scallion pancake, General Tso’s Chicken, white rice, fortune cookies…

February: Black History Month. Soul food, complete with grits available with either cheese or butter, fruit punch or sweet tea…

May: Cinco de Mayo! Quesadillas, chips and guacamole, rice and black beans, horchata, margaritas…

July: Independence day and thank god, because British food is pure shiite! American style junk food/BBQ: Hot dogs, cheeseburgers, fries, soft drinks, apple pie and chocolate chip cookies, maybe ice cream sundaes for the kid in all of us. Oh, and 40-ounce Bud Light bottles for all! Cheers to the Marlboro Man, RIP!

September: Jewish New Year! Embrace the Carb like a good Jew! Bagels, bialys, cream cheese, kugel, lox, whitefish, ruggelach, blintzes…

December: WASP time. Merry fucking Xmas, whether you pray to Jesus or not! Shepherd’s pie, steak and potatoes, lots of sour cream, big loaf of Wonder Bread, grilled and coated with gobs of 100% real butter, straight from the cow’s tit.

Being serious and mature again, I should also recommend that you all read Jamaal Young’s cover story for the New York Press on the revival of Negro. It’s interesting and the census comment is something I noticed years ago. I also noticed that for those Americans that are niether “Latino, Negro, White, or Asian/Pacific Islander,” they are subject to the “other” box, which I would really fuck with were I not pale as all shit. Seriously, if your parents are from Jordan or India, what box do you check? Australian heritage? I guess Asia Pac? Me, I will again classify myself as “peach,” because as my wise father reminded me “we are not white, we’re peach.”